Justice River
May you feel seen, heard, and validated
with a glimpse into my life through my writing.You are not alone.
The Birth of Justice River
I am glad you are here.I felt it was time to share my story, as tough as it has been, because I want you to know you are not alone. The years have been long and I am just now getting a glimpse of breakthrough and lasting freedom. I hope that I can encourage you along the way. Encourage you to not give up, to not despair, to know you are not alone, and know that there are others battling as well. I welcome who you are, and I believe that if you are reading this, that a higher power meant for you to be here. I hope you feel seen, heard, and validated as you see a glimpse into my life through my writings, knowing that you are amongst others who share similar pain, and similar struggles.I have always felt different, like I didn’t fit in. I could never put my finger on it but if you are reading this I am sure you have had a glimpse of what that feels like. At some point I realized I was carrying a lot of pain and frustration, and I felt the need to write about it, talk about it, put in onto paper. I noticed that I would write dark stories and poems and would feel better. I realized that I needed to get out the anger, the frustration and the emotions connected to things that were buried deep within. Over time I realized that I had a voice that had been shut down for so long and it needed to get out into the open. I started participating in a writers group and through the encouragement of others and the safety of the group I started to join in on the writing sessions.Each time I wrote I felt like I was being honored by others hearing my story and providing feedback about how much it meant to them that I was vulnerable and real, not candy-coating things. While many wrote about feel good experiences I wrote about my struggles and challenges as they were so intense and in my face on a daily basis. Instead of people cringing about the underlying tone of my “less than positive happy go lucky writing” I received continued positive feedback and support. I am here because of that group and the fearless leader who decided to take it on and create that safe space for us to meet. I am hoping that this can be a safe space for you to also connect, be seen, be heard, and maybe even connect with what I am writing about.I hope that my writings can provide some sort of hope, light, or feeling of being known. You are not alone and as you read this, if anything resonates with you please consider writing about your own story and what you connected with. Maybe there are things in you that need to get out and this is a door that you were meant to walk through towards your own writing journey.Be encouraged, you are not alone. If my writings leave you feeling uncomfortable I encourage you to invite Father God into those places. Don’t carry my pain, don’t carry my struggles, give those to Him as well. He has big shoulders and He can carry all of our pain and anguish, even that which is directed at Him.I want you to know you are valued, your voice matters, and I encourage you to pick up a pen and start writing your own thoughts. Be real and raw. Be honest with God. He knows how you feel anyway. Share your true self. It is safe, and it may be needed to get things out in the open. I am a processor and maybe you are too. Ask yourself if it is time to start writing your life down, your story down, your hopes and dreams, as well as your struggles down. Maybe it’s not just for you, maybe it is for others too. I believe whatever comes out will be needed for you to move forward. Don’t be afraid of what it looks like or sounds like. You can hide it, bury it, burn it, or keep it in a safe place. Just start, a couple words here and there, a poem, a story or two that need to be released. Get it out. Start today.
Blog
Yes You Can
January 9th, 2024
Looking back I see all the obstacles I have had to overcome
One at a time
Day by day
There has been so much to push through
So much to get past
So much to navigate
But here I am
I’m not where I want to be, not by a long mile
But I have made it this far
If I can do, so can you
I’ve had to mentally coach myself, daily
Blocking and dodging negative thoughts
Ignoring discouragement, ignoring the losses
And I have had to stop comparing my life to others
Circumstances are temporary and so I must convince myself they don’t matter
I’m not sure how I got to this place with all the battles I’ve endured
Like a never-ending war that draws me in
I am not one to quit or give up
I continually head to the front lines to forge ahead and make way for those behind me
I hate being on the battlefield and yet here I am again
Fighting to gain more territory
Pressing ahead to take back what belongs to me, what belongs to others
I am not sure when this will end but victory is in sight
I have fought for so long I’m worn out
Mentally, physically, spiritually
But I cannot stop now
I need to keep walking forward, one step at a time
Pressing past the fatigue, the mental discouragement
Past the questions
I look down at my boots
They look muddied and torn, used, like they need a good washing
Much like my heart, covered by dirt, muck and mire
Much of it flung onto me by others
As I look down I notice I am covered in harsh words
I wipe my arms off like a brushing off of what has tried to weigh me down on my journey
I must leave behind the dark soot and ash I have collected over the years
So I brush and brush and brush it off until I can see what looks to be my skin peeking through, finally breathing
I thought I was just engaging in a revolution in the natural, but it has been a revolution of my heart and mind as well
One that I could not have overcome without the support of fellow warriors, healers, and well wishers
Had I known the battle would be this fierce, for this long, I may have given up long ago
I am glad I didn’t know how hard and intense it would be
I’m glad I told myself “Just one more day”
I’m glad I didn’t quit and walk away
God knows I thought about too many times to count
I’m glad I believed I could make it, even if just for one more day
So when you think you can’t go on
I’m here to tell you it’s a lie
I’m here to say
Yes you can!
Don’t you stop! Don’t you quit! Don’t you dare give up!
You will never walk alone, never war alone
And you WILL overcome, I don’t know when, but I do know you will!!
Freedom
February 3rd, 2024
I’ve been in a variety of restrictive circumstances pretty much my whole life
The confinements varied and oppressed my soul in multiple ways
But regardless of the pressing, the squeezing, the crushing
I continued to fight for freedom
A freedom that isn’t to be carefree in life
Like those I see around me
Not freedom from a bad relationship or responsibilities
But a freedom of the soul
A freedom from the onslaught against my mind
Against my heart, against my body
One that is long lasting, or at least longer than a day or a week
Temporary relief is great, don’t get me wrong
But I’m talking about the kind of freedom that demands celebration
Puts a smile on your face that can’t be wiped away by a bad day or two
One that is tangible, palpable
A freedom that is felt as much as it is lived
Do you know what I am talking about?
Have you longed to be released from some kind of restrictive place?
A confinement of sorts?
Whether it be that of the soul, financial, relational, or physical
Longing for a breakthrough?
Crying out for a light at the end of the tunnel?
You are not alone
You do not know but there are many who have experienced what you too long to be free from
It’s almost like longing for a death sentence
Because at least you know that there will be an end date to the suffering
A reprieve that brings a different kind of life
If that’s you, I want to encourage you, do not long for that death
Life is knocking at your door
Just close your eyes and look to the one who holds the key to freedom
He waits for you
He knows your pain
He hears you and will walk with you
Until you walk through and out of those tight places and spaces
Until you can get past the waves that break upon you
Until you experience freedom
It may not come easy
But all other options are empty
False offerings
Temporary fixes
Get new tools from the tool maker Himself
Not the profiteers who sell temporary escapes
You are worth the fight
As much as I have cried for my freedom, I contend for yours, cheering from the sidelines
My hands may be weather worn, cracked, and aching, but I reach out to grasp yours
You won’t walk blindly
You won’t be alone
Take ahold and I will impart the hope that I too needed so badly, needed so deeply, needed daily
Reach out until you get to your place called
Freedom…
I Gotta Be Me
December 14th, 2023
I learned a long time ago that I cannot be who or what others want me to be
I just don’t fit into their box
I am referring to family, classmates, society, friends
I am tired of being criticized, condemned, and judged for being …well, me
Just me
I grew up with the “why can’t you just be…more this and less that”
Fill in the blank
I was constantly reminded that something was wrong with me
I had to retrain my heart and mind to not look to the outside world for affirmation because I was so different
I still am
I’ve tried to be more of this and less of that but it doesn’t feel real or authentic
I just can't force myself to be what others think I should be to fit in or belong
Fitting in doesn’t necessarily mean I belong there anyway
I am learning to love and accept my rough edges, quirks, and faults,
Well to some degree anyways
Although I am also trying to sand some to a more polished state
I am working on embracing my failures and yet I still tell myself “I could have made better choices”
I am less hard on myself and really need to celebrate my wins more
I have realized the years of conditioning created such strong expectations I still have for myself
I have learned more grace though too
I wonder why I struggle to see myself as an amazing and incredible person
The way I see others?
Why do I tend to glare at my shortcomings while making allowances for others?
I make a note on my “To do list,” work on that
It is not serving me well
I remind myself to return to the thought of self-appreciation and self-honor
Look at all you have endured “I nudge myself” “look!”
It’s the comparison that gets me
Comparing not just me to others but my life as well
I question “Why can’t I be like this or have that? Look at her! She must be incredible to have all those good things in her life”
Then in my thoughts I am reminded of a story
The one that tells of men who were prepared and trained their entire lives just for one major event
Wow
I can relate
How their focus must be, their commitment to the cause, the guarding of emotions to forge ahead
I must do the same
I must be the one that stands out in the crowd & doesn’t go with the status quo
This requires a firm positioning and maintaining a difference of opinion at times
I would say that this would cost me everything but I have already lost it all
I have paid the ultimate price
Just to have a voice, just to get to this place
Just to be me
Unfrozen
November 2nd, 2023
The winter has left its mark
The ice has yet to melt
I have yet to thaw from my cold season that has dried out my vision, passion & motivation
I have been longing for a different season, anything other than the coldness & barrenness that the frost has left behind
I seek the warmth of the sun's rays to shine down and melt the layers of ice that seemed to accumulate as one storm came after another
Leaving behind yet more layers of hard, and what seems to be, impenetrable barriers
I got tired of the emotional impact and tried to block out the reactions I felt as I saw yet another freeze come upon my circumstances
I have applied every shovel, every axe, every tool at my disposal
Applied every measure to dismantle the limiting and confining effects that these layers have had
There has been progress I know but I just need one good day of the sun's warm rays to break me free from the restrictions of the cave that I have been forced to seek shelter in
Waiting until the day I could shed the exterior protection that has so carefully guarded me while I wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes not
I keep checking, peeking outside, looking for signs that it is time, time to come out
Time to stretch, step outside and breathe in the new air
Time to move on
Although the atmosphere is crisp with coldness I breathe it in as it invigorates the slumber within me
I feel the heat of the rising sun on my face, soothing my now frozen cheeks finally
“Today may be the day of my release”… I think to myself
Today may bring the long contended for relief
Today may be the day of freedom,
Is it?
We shall see…
The God Who Sees
July 1st, 2024
Do you see me? Can you hear me?
Do you see my pain and affliction?
Day after day I battle and fight, I long for relief
I long for something new
My heart yearns for freedom from the confinement of my circumstances
When will I move past the training grounds
Past the round and round of the track
My insides cry out “Let me beyond the gates of imprisonment into a true purpose”
“Give me a life worth living”
“Let me do something fulfilling that brings life to me and others”
I need an infusion of new vision, of passion, of hope
I need to be free from this wilderness experience that has parched my soul
Draining me of energy and life
It has almost taken me out, too many times to count
Like a marathon that never ends, I keep looking for the finish line, I thought it would be long ago
And yet I run, and run, towards the end, wearied
I cry out “When God when?! Bring relief!”
The scenery is bland and without imagination, without inspiration
I struggle to look beyond it, to see what’s coming
Beyond the veil of my limited view
I envision colorful surroundings, breathing, expanding, nourishing
Not perfect, but not stagnant
How do I get there?
I do what I know to do, take one step at a time, one day at a time
The assault on my mind continues “Will you make it? Can you make it? Give up now…”
I try to shake it off, to shift it
Just one day at a time, one more step…
Progress
2024
Powerlessness was a huge trigger for me before
The feeling of having to defend myself and stand up for my rights or prove that I needed help, and I needed it NOW, has greatly subsided
I can look back 2 years ago only to realize that had I not been healed of some deep trigger wounds, the journey I have been on the last 6 months would have been my demise
I feel relief knowing that situations which previously put me over the edge are now just a chore to check off my to do list
Not having healthy parents or a safe environment growing up left such deep scars
The journey from childhood has been long, the terrain rough, having an out from trigger reactiveness seemed impossible
But now I feel the grace to be in tough situations and not have to fight my way out
It's not life or death anymore
And even when things look like they went against me, God seemed to work them out on my behalf in some supernatural turnaround
Which I can tell is His Way of saying “I can make things go in your favor – even when you can't – trust that I will bring the good out of the coal mine experiences.”
I am trying to look for the gold in everything
When things don’t go my way I attempt to shift and try to understand that someone else is also on a journey of growth and needs healing
It helps me to deal with others reactions
I am grateful for my growth and I know that I must forgive myself for the behaviors that caused me to react in self-protective ways, to “survive at any cost”
I am thankful that some people along my journey loved me well and gave me grace, even though there were ones who couldn’t
I am grateful for the healing I have had and choose grace for the me I used to be and grace for the me I still am
The Race
July 18th, 2024
I feel like I have run a thousand miles
The stress and strain have taken over my body and I feel weary
“Another mile ahead, you can do it” I tell myself
“Push ahead, push, don’t stop now!”
I am parched, I’ve had sips of water that sustains me, here and there
But it hasn’t quenched my deeper thirst
One of needing change, rest and victory
Did I make a wrong turn? Lose my way?
I need assurance I am on the right path
I look around to see if there are others
I see no one, but a bird has come along, almost to check on me
It releases a sweet sound, one that touches my soul releasing a lightness
I drink in the melody as it feels refreshing, a nectar from God for the journey yet ahead
I am still unable to see the path clearly, which makes me uncomfortable
I picture myself holding hands with the Shepherd who will lead me
I give Him my anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion
I tell Him “I can’t figure this one out, not this time”
All I can do, literally, physically, mentally, is to trust Him and believe that He will lead me the rest of the way, out of the unknown, out of the wilderness
I ask Him to wash off the defeat and give me His empowerment, I know I will need it
I look Him in the eyes “I trust you…I trust you”
I am convincing myself, more than informing Him, but it helps my mind to focus on His abilities to get me through and not my own
“I choose to believe that you will carry me through this…”
I have no other options but Him, no other saviors, no more temporary fixes, He alone is my chance at life, to be free
He starts to sing a melody over me, like a sweet lullaby, it gives me strength and assures me He understands
It recharges me and fills me with new hope
“I can’t figure it out” I tell Him, His eyes tell me He already knows
“I don’t know where to go or how to get there…” He speaks softly “I know, but I do…”
His words displace my doubt and ignite my faith
I don’t have answers, but I have Him, and that is enough
I breathe in a deep sigh of relief and tell myself “Trust Him, He knows”
Live Out Loud
February 2nd, 2024
Living my life has felt like a bad record that keeps hitting that one skip part
And it skips in that rut and goes round and round
But inside it feels like there has been a spiritual solemness, a quietness that is deafening
Like there are parts of me that just went into hibernation or checked out over time
I feel like I have been inadvertently silenced by my circumstances and I have felt its isolation
Suffocating me in many ways
I don’t feel a lot of what I used to and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m numb or just tougher, maybe both
As a kid, I always felt like I was hidden in plain sight
Passed over, overlooked, not just by my family but also at school
I’ve never enjoyed the limelight
Never wanted fame
But I do want to share my voice,
Share my insights
Influence others for the better
Basically live my life out loud, in ways where it has never been, never had the chance to be
It will come with responsibility
But I am tired of being ignored, looked down upon, dismissed, ridiculed by others due to what my life looks like on the outside
Even the unspoken criticisms are felt
If people only knew who I am, I mean what I am really about, I am sure they would think differently about me
That they would hear my heart
Understand my soul
Look past my shortcomings
Give me grace
Maybe even time or a space in their world
Just participate in my life in some meaningful way…
I’ve learned that the “busyness” of this world has choked out community
People have lived their lives out loud, but mostly through social media
I on the other hand have lived it in hiddenness
And it’s time for a change
Time for me and other hidden gems to come forth
To be given a place, a space, a platform
To be able to live their life in a more expressed and fulfilling way
A time to be heard, seen and valued
A time to come out of the dark places & release what we carry
What we hold in our spirits may be for some, or for the many
But the hidden ones need to contribute what they have been imparted with, carried to term, and finally birthed
To be finally free to live life…
To live out loud…
In the Morning
May 31st, 2024
There is something about going to bed with the expectation of a fresh start come morning
Like the next day will be wiped clean in some sort of way that makes facing all the challenges easier, more palatable
It feels like a new chance, with fresh energy to tackle the things that feel too overwhelming in the moment
It’s an opportunity to give ourselves a break, to receive a renewed outlook towards pieces of a puzzle we just haven’t been able to place just yet
To find a way to make things fit where we didn’t have the vision or stamina before
I could use a fresh start in a lot of ways
I have been wishing for an eraser to erase the pain and trauma that has stuck like glue in deep and hidden places, creeping up on me when I least expect it
To wipe away the slime and grime of thoughts that plague my mind about my life, about hope, about God
To obliterate the memories of the mistakes I have made over the years
But for now, another new morning will do, a fresh start again
It gives me time to reframe my outlook on things
To try and see myself on top of the mountain instead of being crushed by the weight of a landslide
To imagine a day filled with new life and fresh ideas, rather than the dreary grey left from the “battle de jour”
It challenges me to put things in the proper place and allow for what’s possible
Sometimes each day ‘s challenges push me to welcome what a new day would bring
After contending and striving and yearning for a change, a shift and not seeing anything budge (at least not in the natural) there is a perspective change a new day brings
A fresh serving of hope and the potential that things will be better, brighter, lighter to bear
Filled with more things that fill my soul
So, for that I welcome the sun to rise once again, to light up my day
You can find me in the morning…
New Eyes
March 29th, 2024
What would it look like if I had new eyes?
I cry out “Show me Lord, show me how you see things”
“Teach me Lord to see things the way you do”
I want to experience life with fresh vision
The eyes of trust, the eyes of faith, the eyes of true understanding
No more of my own opinions about things
No more of my own perceptions clouding the truth
No more of my own way of seeing things
I want to see things the way you want me to see them
Without filters, without judgements, without fleshly corruption
Your viewpoint is the one that matters
I lay down my old ways of seeing things at the altar of truth & trade it in for what you have for me
I don’t want to see life, circumstances, people, issues, trials, hurtful situations, the same way
I want to see things through your kingdom perspective
Give me the “ingredients” I need to see the way you do
Would you add a sprinkle of hope, a dash of wisdom, a cup of love, and a quart of compassion to all I see
I take off the dark sludge off my eyes, the toxic way of seeing things the old way
I wash my eyes clean with your living water
Would you restore my sight
Help me to see you and see your hand in everything
How does it look to you?
What do you want me to know?
What do you want me to understand?
What do you want me to learn?
Open the pathways of seeing things from your heavenly perspective, unobstructed by my own false truths
Where is your hand in it? Your truth in it? What do you want me to do?
How do I partner with you?
I choose YOU, over being right
I choose YOU, over self-protective responses
I want to grow, not be convinced that my perspective is THE truth
Again, I lay it down, help me not to pick it back up again
Help me press in for the revelation I need to make decisions with YOUR wisdom
Help me to remove the film that coats my ability to see clearly
Refresh & renew my vision
Help me guard my sight from those things that would distract me
From those things that would ignite reaction
I choose peace, I choose clarity, I choose YOU
Show me your ways, I look to you…with new eyes
Harvesting Gold
June 1st, 2024
How do we engage with those who are so hard to deal with? I mean the ones we are called to, not the “everybodies” of the world…
I’ve heard it said “dig for the gold” and bring it out of people
There is real treasure, buried deep within many
I would assume that most do not know that they have treasures of gold buried within
They are probably too busy reeling over the last thing they said wrong, or the last thing they did wrong
Or the mistake from two years ago that still seems to haunt them,
Like the failed relationship, bad grades, or missing an opportunity
What would it be like for someone to come alongside and pull out the gold in them?
How would they experience the one who can look past the dirt and grime from circumstances and trauma that covers them and highlights THEIR “gold”
Will they feel valued? Seen? Known?
How would it shift their day? Their experience of themselves? Their interactions with others?
What would the rest of their day look like if they had encountered someone who highlights the treasures that they carry?
Some would not accept the comparison
But for those who will, I say, “dig deep!”
Call it out! Bring it to the surface!
Show them that they shine and how they impact the world in a positive way, even if so subtle
Tell them they light up the room, and it does not go unnoticed
Let them feel the good in themselves and hear how they are contributing to those around them
If you can see no gold, look for potential
It’s hidden, lurking near the surface somewhere
Buried deep under the rubble of broken relationships and a dismissive work environment
Covered up by endless piles of laundry and screaming kids
Maybe even torment and anger from childhood abuse that has kept them stuck in patterns they long to be free from
Once you point out a sparkle, watch how the rest will shine through as well
Take those words of yours and use them like a cool calming rag to wipe away the soot and tar so they can see it too
They need to know
The world needs to know that it has hidden treasures of gold, just buried
Will you be the one to help reveal their treasures?
Impact
July 1st, 2024
Understanding…
That’s what I have come to learn in these dark days
Compassion…
Like nothing I’ve ever known before
Judgements have fallen away
Misunderstanding has been clarified
I now know what it’s like to be stuck in survival mode
I know the feeling of being trapped in smothering and suffocating circumstances that have lasted for years
How is it that I am still alive when I have yearned for death in my despair
Impact will come when I am placed in a position to make a difference for others
I’ve seen where I have sown life or blessings into others and it wakes them up
Causes them to shine brighter
Restores their faith
Renews their hope
In God, but also mankind
I have known that same infusion
It’s like a b-12 shot and sometimes it’s like an elixir for living
Where there was despair lurking and brooding, a fresh deposit of life in given providing sustaining nourishment at a time when all looks lost
How can you impact someone when you do not know the depths of hell they have endured
How can you communicate from a place of empathy instead of religious banter when all you know is victory or blessings
The rant of “I am blessed and highly favored” rings like clanging symbols for those of us who have cried out for decades doing all we know on a daily basis, regularly warring in the spirit to gain breakthrough
Where are the other soldiers?
Is everyone just staying in the party zone?
They may never understand the sheer suffering of those who have been contending on the battle line for decades just to stay alive and fighting for a higher purpose to ultimately serve others
Some are unable to impact others as they use their sweet religious banter to cover over the pain of those who share their story, like a cheap band-aid
Impact is from those who have paid the price and learned that to rise from the ashes is a gift and cannot be done alone, but also cannot be done with those who pour vinegar on open wounds
It is for those who want to understand compassion and how to see beyond their natural eyes
To look into the pain and suffering of those who are too worn out to speak
Tired from the fight
Tired of being on the front lines, many times alone
Tired of the religious lingo that doesn’t seem to break through the darkness
They will be the ones who impact.
They will be the ones to fight for others
Who know that a quick fix is not the answer
But locking arms and helping those burned in the fire also rise from the ashes
The time for hype is long gone
The “just declare it” mantra is stale and ineffective
The impact will be from the warriors who lost it all in the battle and rose again enriched with the kingdom treasures
Immovable
Unshakeable
and resilient
Lord help us to fight and rise that we may impact those around us, to impact the nations
For the shaking is near and the damage will be fierce
But there are those who have counted the cost and they will rise in victory
In the Details
May 22nd, 2024
Looking at my circumstances has never served me well
I’m not sure why I think that I will see it in a better light by focusing so much on every detail
It makes me feel worse, not better
These days I have been trying to focus on the bigger picture
To see things from a higher perspective,
I wonder what might be going on right now behind the scenes
What am I missing that may help me understand what’s going on around me, so I do not lose heart?
I take another step back and adjust my vision
By nature, I’m a combination of a big picture dreamer
But I also look at ways where something can be fixed, changed or improved
It’s a helpful tool to have except when it comes to trying to fix my own life
I see all the places that need change
There are things I do not see, cannot see
These may play a role in what is going on around me
Is there something that is shaping me? Preparing me?
Building new traits in me that will be useful in the future?
Are there things being woven into the fabric of my being that will helpful? Needed for the days ahead?
Is there a purpose in this place?
There are so many unknowns
They say hindsight is 20/20 but x-ray vision would be helpful right about now
To have the ability to look inside and beyond the natural
I cry out for spiritual eyes to “see”
See something that may soothe my aching soul
So that I can see beyond the pain and the season that seems to go on forever
I look for a finish line
Or at least something that may resemble a crossing over into something new up ahead
Something better than the “now”
It’s been quite the daily battle to look beyond the obvious restrictions and limitations that surround me
With the hope that what is yet to come will overshadow all the details that I have endured for so long now
I know my gift of “detail” will be used for good purposes some day
I believe that I know only in part what is yet to be revealed
What might be bigger and better than I could imagine
What might be worth living for, maybe even glorious…
The Light Broke Through
November 28th, 2023
I am needing the light to breakthrough to my life in a big way,
To my days, to the monotony, and the ongoing pain of tribulations
As I picture the sun breaking through the morning sky
I envision a fire in Jesus that burns hot and burns bright
I gingerly gather all my pains and sorrows, grief and despair
Betrayals, disappointments, and delays and I carry them over to Him
I throw them all in
As it burns I tell myself “you have to let it go”
“You can’t carry this with you, it will destroy you…”
The pain of delay, and continual dashed hopes has been too much to carry
If I don’t let it burn in Him it will ultimately fuel a fire in me
And not the good kind…
I need a healing balm to coat and soothe the places in me where I have been affected by the fires of life
I hear Him say “look again” and I am brought back to reality
There is more inside I need to get out
I reach deep, to gather the betrayals from those closest to me
Abandonment, loneliness, suffering, despair is there too
I pull it all out and place it in the fire in Him
I want to forget how hard it has been, I want to forget the days that felt like weeks and the weeks that felt like never ending months, on and on the time passed ever so slowly
The year came and went and those things I believed for, prayed for, fought, for had yet to be seen in the natural
I need those places of extreme let down to burn too, I need fresh soil and new seeds of hope or I will become bitter and not be able to enjoy the victory when it comes
I see myself now in a field
One where the crop doesn’t seem to flourish, yet I know the soil is rich
Maybe I didn’t plant something that grows in phases I wonder
Maybe I planted something that shoots up 25 feet overnight, like bamboo?!
I can feel the excitement spark in my heart, maybe…
I realize that I have given over those things that hinder into the fire in Him
I cannot bring them back now
They will hinder the harvest as well
I need fresh eyes to see what I need to do and prepare for what will come next
What will be expected of me?
I need vision so I can take my next steps
I don’t want doubt to interfere with something that may be a welcome surprise
I have to keep my attitude in check
To look past the ground that seems to bare no rewards, at least not yet
I hear him say “check again” and I look within
I see the trying to figure everything out, the questioning “where did I go wrong? What do I do next? How do I get to my next steps?”
How will I survive the NEXT thing!?!? Isn’t it enough?! Haven’t I survived enough?!
It all must go into the fire, into Him
As it burns, I feel a cleansing wash over my soul
I imagine the rays of light bursting from within to push out anything else that would leave a dark pocket of emotional pain or residue…it all must go
There is no more space for these things which could hinder me
I must focus on the new things that will be breaking forth
Much like the sun, they were hidden away in the dark, but will come forward and bring life, bring warmth to my soul
So I say invite the light in
Surrender the things you don’t need to carry into the fire
And let it all burn
Let all those things in you that need light, life and refreshing be renewed and cleansed through the purging of the pain
Receive His restoration power in those places
Create the space for His peace to dwell, and not have to compete with the frustrations of circumstances and bitterness of the last season
Allow the rays of light to permeate your mind and release warm golden waves over your thoughts
When you need to go back to the fire, to release more to Him, do it quickly for it will become heavy
Like a dead weight that must be cut loose
You will feel strengthened and more prepared for all that is being birthed in you and through you
With much anticipation we wait for the new…
The Potter's Wheel
November 9th, 2023
Being shaped into something for future use is never fun, yet it holds great value for future use
Like a potter working with clay, I have felt like I have been throw down, shaped and squeezed, and then reshaped again, for quite a long time now
My insides, once mushy and without shape have been fashioned and refashioned
It feels like I have gone in and out of the kiln, baked in fire, only to have adjustments made and put back in the fire
Am I done yet?
Is the process over yet? I question God
It seems like there will never be a finished piece
Just one in a continual process entering and exiting differing phases of completion
I remember crying out to God for change for many years
Now I am asking when the process will be over, or at least accelerated
When will I be released from the repeated pressures, molding, and fires
There has to be an end
I question whether I could have liquid gold placed on the cracks to hasten the areas, the blemishes that need to be dealt with
When is enough, enough?
I want the imperfections to be worked out, yet
I struggle to find value in the constant flames I must endure to purge them,
Although I know the purification will bring a certain strength, one that will help me stand as a strong and finished piece
I don’t want to have any weak areas that would be a vulnerability, allowing undue exposure in a finished product used for noble purposes
Yet it seems like it should be over by now
I wait to see what today brings, hopeful that whatever the Master Potter decides to bring I do not resist, but embrace His work in me
I want to understand what He is doing and engage in the process
Although it feels like a redemption only for me, I know it will affect others being shaped and molded
It is an endeavor that one would assume is reckless and haphazard, but I can assure you it has been anything but
As I drink my morning tea from a finely polished cup, I acknowledge that this vessel too went through a refining process
One of perfecting its ability to contain the hottest of temperatures, endure the harshest of washings, and yet remain unphased, ready for usage again and again
I wonder at times what I will be able to contain once I am in the finishing stages
It seems like nothing now, but it may actually be a make or break perfecting necessary for the commissioning that lay ahead
Safe
January 11th, 2024
What would it feel like to live in a world called safe?
Maybe not the whole world, but at least my world
A free to be me, and not rejected world
A free to have a voice, and not be criticized world
A free to express my needs, and not be judged or gaslit world
One where there is a space for me to share, and be, and thrive world
Not at someone else’s expense but alongside
Would my body finally be able to relax?
My nervous system rest?
My hyper vigilance take the day off?
Or my guardedness take a back seat to expression?
Would I show up in my life differently?
Less in survival of the fittest mode, and more in a creative place mode?
I don’t know…
You see I have never really known “true safe”
Fake safe, yes
But never a real, long lasting safe
One that is tangible and felt on a conscious and unconscious level
I imagine it would feel like warmth and freedom mixed together
I’m sure it would be a place for good things to grow and flourish
Like a baseball runner who finally makes it to home plate
The relief and sense of victory would be palpable, once you get to that place of “safe”
But it seems like I have been on 3rd base, trying to run to home-plate for some time now
When it appears I can make a run for it and finally make it to “safe”
I am stalled, or stopped, dead in my tracks
Nope, not this time
Nope, not getting there today
The opportunity to run seems clear and in a moments notice is once again snatched away
As I look around I see other players at work causing interference
Keeping me from getting to that coveted spot
My eyes stay laser focused on the target
My body on edge
I am almost standing on my tippy-toes to anticipate the next window in time I will have to make it
To run with everything I’ve got
Just to make it to a place called “safe”
But then what?
After my victory what will I do then?
Walk away? Off the field? While others are still waiting for their chance to run to that place called “safe”?
I couldn’t leave them there
I must stay and cheer them on so they too can make it
There are a few curve balls being thrown
A couple strikes here and there
I am anxious waiting for the others to have their chance to run home
But while I wait, I will cheer
And continue to cry out for those who also need to get to that place where they can let go a bit and finally make it
Where we will collectively celebrate, even for just a few wins here and there
Because over time, we will help others reach home base and they too will experience what it means to finally be safe...
Turned Upside Down - The Trap
May 29th, 2024
Walking into a trap
I didn’t know
How could I?
A set up from the start
A snare so devious, so cruel, it undermined my very being
Assaulted my character and assassinated all respect I held for those in authority
How dare they!
Who are they?!
What were they thinking?!
This is sheer madness, wait it’s worse, it’s crazy making
I tried to figure it out
But there was no reason behind it
A direct attack
As I lay in bed my thoughts turned to “Joseph”
You know, the one who suffered unjustly
Being accused of something he did not do
“Lord, come to my defense!”
“Where are you, Father?”
How did this happen?
What’s worse is this Jezebel leader incited others to pen a statement to support their baseless claim
There was overwhelming evidence that her accusations were bogus, but she was on a mission of sabotage, against me
Trying to take me out, get me to stumble, to falter, to give up
Her efforts would backfire
But why would she go through all this effort? All this energy spent against me!
Such a waste of time
Creating these fantastical delusions to stone me for a crime that didn’t exist
I attempt to climb above its oppression, it’s heaviness that weighs on me
I need to breathe, to cast it off
I ask again for help
Show me Lord how to break this off
I pray for truth and understanding, for direction, for the target to be removed off my back
My head throbs
I ask for protection from the attack
A sleepless night did not provide the relief I had hoped
I press in for revelation for a reprieve
I read Psalms 109 “…with words of hatred they surround me, they attack without cause, in return for my friendship they accuse me …and repay evil with good”
Another set-up, another gut punch, a familiar pattern
Like those who cast lots over my saviour’s garments they plot against me and openly spew venom
Lord, send your light to cover me
Lord, send your truth to wash over me
Lord, send your freedom from this assault
I pray aloud Psalm 109 “when they attack let them be put to shame, let my accusers be clothed in disgrace…for God will stand at my right hand to save me from those who condemn me…”
And then ask the same as the author of Psalm 119 “bring me compassion, comfort me, I put my hope in you alone who can deliver my soul from this dry and soul crushing Egypt”
Selah
Light at the End of the Tunnel
July 18th, 2024
The path is unclear, I can’t see the end, though I try
I try as hard as I possibly can, but I can’t make out the next steps
Where do I go? Is there a door? How do I get there?
I have so many questions
I don’t want any more bad decisions
No more misguided paths
I need clear direction
I quiet myself to listen for any clues
Holy Spirit please show me what to do
Walk with me, guide me, direct me
Spirit of wisdom please go ahead of me and show me the best way to move ahead
I only want the best path for me
No more dead ends, lost trails, or misdirected steps
I don’t have time or energy to make mistakes
I need to know which steps to take so I don’t add more distress or delay
Take me along the righteous path, hemmed in and guarded
Let your light lead the way
Speak Up!
July 1st, 2024
Who will speak up for me? I often wondered as I fought my way through a darkened childhood
Who will defend me, come to my rescue, be a voice for me where I have none?
It never came, that strong voice of protection I needed so badly
Nobody to stand for me or fight for my cause
Nobody to intervene against the continual onslaught of abuse, indifference and neglect
I need someone!
I needed someone…
It never came, never showed up in my life
I yearned for the one who would help me battle
I learned through challenges and trials that I am the voice I need now
One that won’t be silenced
I will be a defense, not only for myself, but for others who have given up the fight
Forgotten and estranged, they too long for someone to take a stand on their behalf
Against injury, against affliction, against injustice
They too cry out “When!? When will you send someone Lord to be our voice?”
Talked over, stepped on, and abused by a broken system that rewards the oppressors and punishes the innocent
They long for a remedy that will empower and equip them
They have given up on their trusted leaders
Bought and paid for by the corrupt
They have given into futility and a dismal outlook
But their future can change, WILL change, if the ones willing to take a stand will use their voice
To cry out against the limitations and usher in new freedom for all, help for all, justice for all
So if you are one who cries out, know that your voice is heard by the One who comes to your defense, who brings you aid and He tells His warriors, His mouthpieces to
SPEAK UP!
(Psalm 107, Isaiah 51)
Climb Higher
March 28th, 2024
So inviting, so welcoming, so soothing
She can feel the warmth of the peace that is ushering her to enter this surreal place
She steps in and embraces the lushness of the grass
The rest, the nurturing, the acceptance, is like something from a dream
She imagines a warm cup of cider will be served to her when she enters the nearby house
The pond invites her to come & put her toes in, to bask in the refreshing waters
She can feel the warmth of the sun shining on her, energizing her
The hammock speaks to her for a long-needed nap, but not now, later, after she absorbs the goodness from this place
She wants it all, to embrace it all
She imagines a loving mother inside baking her a warm meal, peanut butter cookies, & nourishing soul food
She feels saturated with a sweet presence
It feels safe here, protected, guarded
She is hidden & knows she can let go & be satisfied with the richness of this place
The flowers welcome her, telling her that have been waiting for her arrival & are happy to see her
They smile & giggle as they had released a fragrance that would reach her to lead and guide her to this haven
Like a beacon of light, a release of hope to lead her down the right path
She almost didn’t climb the ladder to get to this place, she didn’t think she had the strength to pull herself up & there was no one there to help her
She pushed herself to climb up the rungs “Just one more step” she assured herself “You can do it”
It seems surreal, “Did I really make it? Am I really here?” she asks, she didn’t think she would ever get to a place like this
So nourishing, so calming, so life giving
There is no war in this place, it’s like time stands still here
She checks to make sure this place is not a set-up, another disappointing dead-end, another façade of safety but with pain awaiting behind the scenes
She realizes that it will take her a while to cleanse herself from the toxins of the last season
The birds fly away suddenly, and she is startled but she knows that they are going out to let others know that she has arrived, they are declaring “She has made it, she has arrived” to the world
It spreads like fire, “She did it, she made it, did you hear?”
There is surprise & relief for those who hear & they too spread the good news “She made it! Did you hear?!”
Anticipation is building, there is a shift in the air, the sun is now setting, like it's breaking something open as it drops down into the horizon
There is an opening in the heavens, she sees scrolls being prepared
The angels are busying themselves and are focused on releasing the mandates
“She’s ready” they assure each other “Get those documents to her it’s time!!”
She has a vision of those on earth who have been waiting on the side lines, patient for so long, they have been waiting for “her” to “arrive” so she could unlock doors that they could not unlock themselves
The stage is set, the curtain is waiting to be drawn, angels are on stand-by for the big reveal
Anticipation builds, the angels are excited to finally pull the curtain back, the trumpets are blown
Those who have been waiting in anticipation have no idea what they are about to receive, the answer to their wildest dreams
It’s happening, the wait is over, they will finally taste & see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living
She sees a bridge, she breathes in one last deep breath & waits before stepping out of this refuge back into the rage of the world, into her calling, her destiny
She wants to absorb as much nourishment from this place as she can before she embarks on the next stretch of her journey
She builds herself up in her mind, “You can do this, this is what you were born for, this is your moment, your destiny”
She drinks in one last breath as if to charge herself up & takes the step out, into the place where her true journey now begins as
Years of hope deferred have now met with renewed hope & destiny
“You got this” she tells herself and takes the step…
The Nothing Nub
May 13th, 2023
Growth had eluded me for so longYeah some insight, truth, knowledge, wisdom & spiritual formation here or there, but no lasting deep transformation that resulted in lasting changeThe word of having my foundation destroyed for 5 years only to be rebuilt has been fulfilledThe pruning has gone deep to the depths of my beingI had wanted it for so long, yet the process was unbearable most daysI feel like the rose bush that felt pretty good and had some flowers budding
only to be cut back with the sharpest of scissors to the nubDuring the pruning I felt unseen
“People won’t see me for who I really am…just this raw nub”It was hard to be cut back, pruned for such a long seasonIt seemed never endingPeople didn’t know that there was more to me than the nub they sawYet I held fast to the dreams I had of rising in the skyscrapers and the huge warehouses for harvestingThese would be part of the next phase of my journeyThe harvest isn’t just for me but for the massesThose who have been barren for so long and were not in the process of transformationThey are needing a life source in the natural to pour fresh hope and awakening into their dry soil“We will celebrate together… we will laugh and cry together soon” I will assure them…Because the “nothing nub” has gotten tough and now feels more sturdy, resilient, unwaveringI see the bulldozer coming in to turn over many things, including foundationsBut the rose bush will thrive and produce a refreshing fragrance in the midst of the turmoilMany will panic and not know what to do but they will see the rose bush standingTaller, stronger, more assured, and able to assure those around herOthers know she is a safe refuge and a place for reassurance“How are you thriving?” they ask, “How are you surviving in the midst of the storm?”And the rose bush will answer “I was reduced to a nub so that others may know the hope of surviving even the toughest of upheavals”“We will rebuild, and we will rebuild together” she declares“Trust the process, endure the crushing, you too will be fruitful”She looks across the field that was overturned and now sees wheat sproutingSome taller than others, some scraggly, she knows not all will make itBut she is assured that many willThey will see the light of her brightness to lead the way, for they have lost their sense of direction in the turmoil of the undoingShe directs them to the light that shines and beckons them to break free and grow higherHer heart is filled with compassion for their struggle as she knows its painShe sees the harvester coming in the corner of her eyeHe is pleased and smiles at her with a gleam in his eyeHe winks at the little rose bush who was once the “nothing nub” and says,“We did it you and I…we made it… together”He takes the wheat in his basket, the seeds are crushed and turned into bread which is now broken and given to the many that are nourished and satisfiedThey are grateful for the bread not knowing the process that had taken place to create the provision that would satisfy their soul.Be the little rose bush, the nothing nub, pruned by Him, your life will be changed forever.
End of the Rainbow
March 17th, 2024
The long-awaited finale to a very long endeavor
The ending of a season
The crossing of a Jordan
Entering the promised land
The arrival of a promise, some would say, its arriving right on time
But I beg to differ
It’s been spoken, prayed, declared, & held onto
But it's nothing short of a miracle
That the end of the rainbow will deliver blessings, fulfilling promises like waves crashing upon me
Breaking off the heavy residue
Of hopes deferred and longings unfulfilled
I expect the colors to pierce me and release a frequency of healing
I embrace the change it will bring
Shining light into dark places where only prayers lived
It tastes like freedom
Smells like new beginnings and Feels like victory
Like a prism of life releasing a new song into the air, piercing the grey
The colors will shine and break past the darkness of waiting
The pain of enduring
And the dread of delays
The rainbow will find its way to me
Through all the fog, and all the obstacles, and all the doubt that tries to linger and settle
It will make its way to me
I will be there, at the end of the rainbow
Choices—A Battle Cry of Sorts
October 31st, 2023
We all have a choice
A choice of what we will allow to occupy our mind
Will I choose to react or respond
Will I choose fear or stand courageous
As for me I am tired of living in fear
Tired of the toll it has taken on my soul and psyche
Tired of all it has done to wreak havok on my vision for the future
This time and every time starting now I will choose to be courageous
To face the unknown
Tackle the uncertainty
Look each circumstance dead on
But I will invite the one who knows me and knows what is yet to be in the unknown
I will not stand alone
I will hold the hand of the One who has brought me this far
I will press in and inquire, “What do YOU see? What do YOU know? How do YOU want me to see this situation?”
If I lean on my own thinking I may trip myself up in concerns I cannot control
I don’t have time for that now
I must be wise and choose to look beyond what I physically see
Look beyond into the spiritual meaning
Look beyond into what is yet to be…
I want to understand the benefits and lessons of every situation
Deliverance from my enemies has come before, those who stood for my ruin fell away
Why would He not rescue me again?
Why would He not intervene?
Should I trust my uncertainties over the One who remains confident and steadfast even in the midst of impending death?
My mind shifts now and I decide to be resolute about this courage thing
The lesser choice serves me not, aids me not, and leads to despair and internal battles which
are wearying
I welcome courage this time and every time, like a lion in the wilderness who knows there are dangers about but chooses to walk ahead regardless
Am I alone?
Are others nearby in case I need reassurance?
It matters not as long as I can keep my mind resolute on choosing to be dauntless and walk with Him
I will ignore the arrows, the traps, the snares as I push ahead
It may become dark, it concerns me not as I am determined to make it out of this wilderness, out of this barren land
As I dare to disengage from the effects of the covering fear has tried to put on me, weighing me down, I am freed from its limitations and assault on my soul
It feels reckless to not consider all the things that “may happen”
And yet
It feels reckless to consider them as well
Courage…it is an ammunition in the tough places
It is fuel for the war beaten heart
It is however a lifeline for victory
The Story
2023
The story isn’t over it's just begun yet it has taken years to set up the plot, prepare the details and position the pieces
It’s taken decades to align and polish the right players for the most perfect plays
Positioning and strategy are critical
I know the outcome will be good yet the looming feeling of abandonment and ongoing isolation has taken its toll
It seems never ending
The attacks have all but taken me out
I am surprised that I am still here, still pressing forward, still believing, still alive
It’s been years of Praying for years for help, solutions strategies, direction
Years of pleading, asking, begging in the night for relief
DOES ANYONE CARE? Even those who see and know are unphased by the intensity of the battle, or so it seems
Where will relief and insight come from?
Where will I obtain strategy from?
Do you not care about the suffering that takes me out, assaults me and leaves me crying out my prayers – I ask as I look up to the heavens
I press into the courts in the heavenlies – when will I be free? I ask
Where is someone to step up and intervene?
My level of disheartenment for feeling that my prayers have gone unheard and unanswered has drained me
When will a new new beginnings rise and take over the darkness
When will there be a break? Or a breakthrough?
A parting of the sea, crossing over to a new place
When will the black nights end?
Answer me! I cry out
As I battle in the night
Answer me…
Please God come and meet me in the struggle…
Meet me… answer me…
I cry out for relief for insight on the affliction against me that lasts all night and stains my days
Help! I cry out…Help!
Like a sailor in a storm who is battle weary and battling for rest
When will you come and bring relief?
I have tools, but which ones am I missing?
I've been seeking for far too long now
In so many ways, in so many places
Please answer my cries for help, please help me with relief
I'm tired of the anger, tired of the disappointment
Worn out from hope deferred and longing for something to change
Grasping at something to bring relief
Gasping for breakthrough to shift the long wait for a taste of freedom
I cling to words of promise…
I know that soon the Lord will bring relief...
Peeking Through
December 23rd, 2023
Peeking through the branches, looking for signs of a new beginning
Is it here yet?
Is it time to come out?
I feel like I have been hidden in a cave, a forced hibernation for what seems like an indefinite winter
Oh, how I long for something new
Something different than these four cold stone walls that have confined me, and restricted my movement
The darkness has been suffocating and I yearn for the suns rays to pierce and scatter what feels like chains
Chains of restraint that have held me back from any sort of advancement in the natural
My muscles ache, I stretch, it feels like hard clay breaking off of me, crashing to the ground as I flex my knees and elbows back and forth
Is it time yet?
I peek again
I am hopeful that this time, the calling out, is for me
I listen for my name in the wind to beckon me forth, out onto unsure but solid ground
It seems like the ice has not melted yet and the snow still covers the land but I have learned to traverse through strong resistance and am confident I can make my way now
I hesitate
I don’t want to run ahead but I am struggling with staying in this isolation
I notice the numbness in my fingers and toes, and if I am honest, on my heart
The delays have wearied me
Over and over, one after the other
My soul has cried out for relief from this distress of stuckness
I have tried to keep the fire burning but have felt it was futile many times
Somehow, I continue to survive the brutal coldness of the environment
I look for signs of life, a small bird, a deer, maybe even a squirrel foraging nearby
I wonder, “Am I the only one who is feeling the angst of a place like this, surrounded by the sounds of my own echoing words?”
The sheer darkness adds to the smallness, the tightness, the dreariness of the space I have been in
I look again past the walls, through the opening to see the frost melting ever so slowly off a branch
Drip by drip, it falls gently to the ground
I imagine it like a soothing water touching my soul, nourishing, re-invigorating & restoring life, much like a dry and forgotten plant that has been tucked away in a corner
I need more of it
I take a step out and absorb the heat from the sun, gazing into its welcoming presence
Finally, something bigger than me that can bring relief from an outside source to intervene on behalf of heaven
I’m not sure, but I think I caught a glimpse of angels wings fluttering in the sky
Escorts I wonder?
I completely step out of my confinement to dare, that this time, I am embarking on the long-awaited adventure
That this time it is real
That this time it is assured
That this time it is to step out into the new…
The Journey
July 7th, 2024
A new door has opened
Where does it lead?
A chance for something new
One that I have longed for, prayed for, fought for
For so long
The resistance has been fierce but now the door swings wide
It beckons me in, to cross over into the wonderment of new beginnings
It will look nothing like the past
The excitement is palpable, and the expectations are high
One can only dream for so long until it manifests and here it is right before me
I take my first step towards the other side
I am anxious but eager for forward movement
I look around for new surroundings, I have only imagined and prayed about for so many long years
There is energy that is palpable and fills the air, the atmosphere is ripe with possibility
I take another step
I can see opportunities that await, with my name on them, saved for this very moment in time
There is a chair, a desk, for me alone to sit at, waiting for my arrival, a place for me
I belong here, I want to be here, unlike the last season, I welcome this place and space
Where do I start? Where do I begin? There is work to be done
Although I do not have all the answers, I dig in leading with passion, with purpose
I engage and assure myself the details will work themselves out later, the momentum is hastening now
I must guard this time and apply the skills I have acquired over the years
Wisdom will be required, but I have been prepared, I have crossed over and much will be required, but I am ready
A Place in This World
November 7th, 2023
Hidden, secluded, tucked away from the masses
It feels like I’ve always lived in the background,
In the shadows, unseen, unheard,
Defined only by a name, without voice or recognition.
But my name carries meaning: a new beginning, a fresh start.
And how I’ve longed for that—a new beginning.
I’ve wished for a button to push, a door to open,
Leading to a life bursting with adventure, surprise, and exciting paths.
A life where I could meet new faces, visit unfamiliar places,
And leave each one better than I found it.
I want more than to exist—I want to make a difference.
Not just a small one, but a life-changing impact,
Where people look back and say,
"Wow, I’m so glad I met her."
I want lives to be transformed,
So much so that God’s goodness shines brighter than their darkest seasons.
I want to be part of stories, the kind shared for years,
Of “crazy cool” encounters and unexpected, divine timing.
To be the one who ventured down unlikely roads,
The one who stood there, proclaiming with joy,
"Here I am!"
And together, we’d celebrate their victories.
"At last, at last!" they would think,
As I became the answer to prayers they had abandoned in despair.
I’d arrive with solutions to impossible problems,
Not to take over, but to stand beside them,
Fighting what felt like insurmountable odds—together.
With joy and determination, I’d declare:
"Have no fear! I’ve been sent to open doors and pass on keys."
And after the celebration, I’d move on to the next soul in need,
Knowing that finally, at last, I’d found my place in this world.
A place where courage is rewarded,
And trials are but an obstacle course of preparation.
This calling isn’t about prestige or worldly success.
It’s about meeting the forgotten, the unseen,
The ones left in the shadows—not by choice, but by circumstance.
The abandoned, the ignored, the weary.
And one day, there would come a knock at their door.
I’d be standing there, asking gently,
"May I come in?"
"Why? What can you do for me?" they’d retort,
Their voices heavy with disbelief,
Worn down by endless disappointment.
But I’d sit with them, strike a match,
And together, we’d rekindle the fire of buried dreams,
Watch the cold melt away,
As hope and warmth began to take hold.
I’d assure them:
"You are not forgotten. You, too, have a place in this world."
Even now, as I prepare for those moments,
I send messengers ahead with words of hope:
"It’s worth the fight. The wait. Hang tight, stand firm, and stay strong."
I imagine their doubts, their scepticism,
But soon, they’ll see it—feel it—know it:
This hope is real.
This breakthrough is near.
And together, we’ll find our place in this world.
I'm Done
September 25th, 2023
It all looks like blocks, barriers & delays
I’m pretty much over everything and have been for a while now
The days turned into months
Which turned into long years
Long ones, too long to remember how far back
I continually wonder when my life will feel like it has a higher purpose
And not just surviving
The doldrums of the days create frustration
It's like waiting for the rain to come, while the river bed continues to crack and dry
Just a little rain would ease the barrenness
Just a little water would relieve the discomfort
I hear it's going drizzle I get excited for some form relief, as minor as it is
When will there be a break? Some sunlight to melt away the ice of this frozenness of my life
Relief is what I need, some breathing room
Like a gentle rain to soothe the soul
The tight places have worn me out
I need some space of my own, a bigger place to live and be, where I am not feeling the constraints & limitations of my circumstances
If I look too close I feel defeated & get discouraged
I shut down
It becomes overwhelming, so I ignore the noise, the clammer that has pressed my soul for so long
I will be validated and honored in the future I know
I am not sure when but it’s coming
Putting doubters to shame
Let them hang their heads when they learn how they discredited one who called for higher purposes
I’m not done
Just one more day, I can make it
One more day to push through
One more day until the sun and rain bring life
The Next Best Step
October 26th, 2023
It is an invitation to the next phase
a crossing over into the new
I anticipate what it might look like,
Will I be able to discern where I need to be? Where I need to go?
Will I be able to get there with the least amount of detours, bumps in the road and hurdles?
I try to quell my anxiety as I consider that time feels squeezed right now and I feel limitations in the now that may actually dissipate in the upcoming days
Should I be excited? Nervous?
I try to shake it off
I seek the path that is the one for me
Even though I feel like I am stepping out blindly
I start questioning, is it here? There?
Where is it? Am I even ready?
I try not to be exacerbated by the unknown
I try not to become overwhelmed by what I cannot see
I assure myself that I will know
I press into what could be, into options, opportunities that may present themselves
I hope that this time it will be different
This time it will be good
This time it will bring life, hope, joy, and not disappointment
I hesitate to consider what it might look like
because if it is another short season
another bad scenario, another experience that ends in frustration I am not sure I want it
I want the path that brings joy, peace and restoration
I want the path that brings victory
I want to cross the finish line of the old
and embark onto the new
If I could just peak around the corner and get a glimpse of what is to come
so I could prepare or embrace what I may see
It's like an unwrapped present
Will it be another dud or something that makes my heart leap when I see it
I want to get excited
Should I? Is it safe? I ask myself
I know the effects of hope deferred and I know it can quench my energy and my passion if it doesn't look the way I want it to
I know the last season involved surrender
But will I finally be able to take hold of good plans and be able to put things into play that I have kept hidden in my spirit for so long?
Please God, I Ask...
Let this be the time that I finally step into the new life I have yearned for,
dreamed about
and wanted for so long
Let it be more than just the next best step
Let it be my best next season too...
(In gratitude for my journey to where I am now, I humbly ask....)
Going Home
November 7th, 2023
Home, what is it even?
I don’t have a place to call home so where would I go and what would it look like?
I envision a warm open area that has a fireplace burning just to warm to thaw my heart
A large welcoming room that speaks to my soul through colorful décor
Like an invitation that is directed only at me
I know I belong when I reach my destination called “Home”
I will feel it in my body, it’s a place to rest and relax, to let go
It’s a place where the walls will keep my secrets safe and not betray my trust
A place where I can vent and be playful, not walk on eggshells
With the ability for freedom of expression
A place where fuzzy creatures are allowed and considered family
I can almost smell the scents of delicious meals coming from the kitchen
Beckoning me in to savor the tastes of energy sustaining nutrients
The only question is how do I get there?
Where is it? Is it far away? Another time zone?
How will I be led to get to this protective fortress?
I yearn for it’s stability, its hiddenness, its safety
It is sequestering me
A place to rule from and yet be free
Is there a path to take that will direct me?
I know I am not there yet
Not even close
I am unsettled where I am and yearning for this place to call home
A refuge from the storms of life
It will foster both tranquility and action
Yet again it eludes me
I have looked for this place and the steps to get me there are just as ambiguous
Like a trail covered by heavy branches and falling leaves
I need someone to help clear the way and make it noticeable
So that there is no way to miss it
I feel anxious when I try and consider all the possibilities of where it could be and how to navigate it
Am I required to “figure it out?”
I have been trying to figure things out my whole life
That’s what I do “figure it out" and then plan ahead with my perfect “game plan”
Problem is my games plans are not always “God’s plans”
And for some reason I am not sure I should even attempt to deploy my strategy this time
This time I might need to wait for God to make it really clear and unfold the path
I want to run ahead but I know the danger that comes with pushing ahead and forcing things to happen
I tell myself to place my security in Gods hands and wait for His leading
This is one thing I don’t want to mess up
I look for signs daily to show me a glimpse of possibilities but my senses seem to give me differing signals
Not a good place to make life decisions from
I know that someday, and hopefully soon
I will finally know
Finally be headed in the right direction
Finally, be going home…
Look Up
May 7th, 2024
I begged, I pleaded, I cried out over and over
Prayed incessantly
But my circumstances didn’t seem to budge
I didn’t understand
I was confused, upset, worn out, disappointed and deflated
“There has to be something I need to pray, something else I need to do…” I would tell myself
Weeks rolled by, then months, and now years
I’m not sure when but at some point, I realized I needed to shift my focus
To look up, instead of around
To stop placing my hope in the changing of circumstances and try to connect with God in a more meaningful way.
I started to ask more questions,
“What’s going on?
“What do you want me to see? To learn?”
“What do I have to look forward to?”
“Show me things through your eyes Father”
I don’t want to complain anymore.
I’m tired of being frustrated all the time
I don’t want to be mad at God for not shifting things for me
I’m grateful for the little things but have also learned to appreciate things I missed before
The field of purple flowers
The chirping of the birds
The horse who says hello to me through his “nay”
And the butterfly that crosses my path
I’ve learned to look up and check in more with Him
Without groaning that things are the same according to what I can see
I picture an imaginary curtain in the sky
Holding back all the answers to my prayers
A release of blessings… of fulfillment
Of met needs and the revealing of those things that have been prepared behind the scenes for me
While I have longed and yearned and waited
When I start to murmur and compare my life to those around me, I try and catch myself
To nudge myself
To stop and look up…
To look to God
To remind myself that He has not forgotten me
He is not ignoring my pleas for help,
And that He sees my situation as well as my tomorrows
So when you feel like you are banging your head on that wall trying to get answers to prayers and changes to circumstances and much needed help
I want to encourage you to check in and listen
To look up…
Create with God
April 7th, 2024
How will I create with God?
With a curious mind, an inquisitive attitude and
A desire to partner with Him and bring about the things that are on His heart
I will not move too quickly ahead
Nor will I wait too long
I will push forward seeking opportunities to bring about His plans
I will look for the open places and spaces where He might want to insert me
To call on me to be used to bring forth His restoration, correction, and revitalization
I will speak life to the dry and weary places
I will beseech the spirit of God to move and wash away the heaviness that impedes new light and new life
I will tread lightly, yet push past the roadblocks
To get to those most in need
In need of resources, vigor, and rejuvenation
I will place my hand with His and say
“What are we doing here?”
“Who are we impacting?”
“What does it look like? What are my boundaries?”
I will bind my heart to His so I can see beyond the pain and blame to see the “what could be” and not get caught in traps of despair
I will dip my brush onto the palette in heaven and ask for the right mix of color to spread in the right places, to the right people
Colors that open eyes, renew hearts, ignite dreams & passions
A release of vibrancy to bring things once deemed dead and forgotten back to life
Releasing a new joy, one that can’t be stolen and won’t be quenched
One that will spread for miles
“Have you heard?” Do you know what God is doing for His people?”
Many will inquire and say “I too want to create with God “How do I join?”
It will be a great catalyst of rebuilding and release of creativity
Opening eyes, softening hearts
Birthing through humanity, things that have laid dormant and are now given the needed elements
To become and grow, to thrive
What was once dark will now be brought back to an awakened state where it will ignite hope and restore confidence in a God who seeks to do good to His people
And now has hands and feet from which to move
Appearance
November 14th, 2023
I wonder…
Why there is so much focus on appearance
Someone could look amazing, the best clothes & makeup
The best accessories, and yet be shrouded in anger, bitterness, and offense
Or worse yet, a cold and hardened heart
Why does the church, or should I say “those who represent the church” spend so much time on looking good, polished, coiffed
But spend little to no time on what is inside
Our focus has been diverted to be continually updating our exterior with the latest fashion
While our interior longs for an overhaul
So many are trapped in the obsession of name brands and designer labels to make themselves feel better about themselves
Like a bandaid
Yet internally they ache to be seen, valued, and for validation
Proof they are accepted and loved
Looking good will never appease the inner longing to belong
Or to feel important
It only provides a temporary fix to look important while inside the soul ache persists
One that cannot be remedied with the outer appearance
Looking good can only bring a temporary sense of value
But feeling loved and special deep down takes time and attention
Like clothes, we must learn to put on love and knowing we are loved
Put on being chosen, and let our heart really connect & shine with it, like an internal accessory
We can no longer make it by with only dealing with the external
We must go deep and bring beauty to our inner selves
But Soft
December 12th, 2023
A harsh word
It tends to disrupt any conversation
Can bring a relationship to its knees quickly
And will even kill a deal in the making
I have learned to guard my words more carefully
To be less reactive & avoid the charge that can come with a swift comment
I seek to understand more now
To hear what is being said behind the words & not necessarily take the words at face value
Its not easy
It takes effort to focus and not get caught off balance
But it pays off in the end
It’s like the kindling that get thrown in a fire & someone is expecting me to be the match that lights it up
I refuse
I remain calm instead, trying to do a “work around”
I don’t want to be part of tearing down what is yet to be built
I choose empathy instead, the higher ground
I convince myself to stay calm and listen
What do I want to build right now with my words?
What kind of construct do I want to co-create in this situation?
The words come slowly, gently, tempered
I must watch my delivery so not to offend
I choose to stay engaged, even when triggered
It’s not about me, I have to remind myself
There are bigger issues at stake
Walk gently, speak softly, but succinctly
I can make my point as long as I don’t cross a line inciting a defensive posture
I am not here to “win”
I am here to reconcile, to lead, to impart, or to influence, maybe just inspire
Regardless, none of those can happen with a harsh tongue, a barrage of insults, or cutting sarcasm
Your words are like seeds
You may not see them sprout right away but they will grow if you plant them in the right kind of soil
But the soil can be even more challenging to deal with,
Amendment may be needed
It needs to be worked into the soil
Kneading it ever so gently into the tough and hardened clay
But it takes time to overcome the lies, barriers, and half truths that have caused the ground to become so immovable, impenetrable, callous & dry
I wait on the fresh wind to blow and help me blow away what has also covered and hidden a place that could be made ready
Ready for truth, ready for growth, ready for the new
I realise I may never get to water the seeds but I trust my words will seed, somehow, into the hearts and minds and intellects of those in need of them
Birthing and breaking through with insight and revelation that will shift and change even the hardest of men
A New Day
November 2nd, 2023
A fresh start, a new beginning, a different perspective
Every day we have the opportunity to see things from a different point of view and not our limited mindset
We can wipe the slate clean, as it were, and seek understanding into things that have been offensive, confusing, troubling
Like a door with a key that needs to be used to open things up and look inside
We can have a sense of adventure
Or we can continue to be frustrated by what we do not know, what we cannot see with the eye
Sometimes it's being okay in the “not knowing” that is the hardest place to be
When will we know the full picture, the truth or what is on the other side?
Sometimes the delay will cause our heart to sink and we stop inquiring
What would it take for us to continually check in and question what is possible
What may be new, be next, be the unknown or unseen
We will have the opportunity to discover different facets to the same set of circumstances
But sometimes that fresh perspective will help us learn, grow, & expand
Beyond our existing limitations
Pressing past the familiar requires decision to question
What are different ways of seeing things, experiencing things
In order to learn and grow
Why do we stop questioning when we can evolve and become better listeners, better communicators, better leaders
We must be open to the new
To put on a new set of ears, to listen beyond the pain and hear truth and perspective from another point of view
It’s a new day, are you listening?
Celebrate
March 25th, 2023
What will it look like? The victory
The crossing over
What will it feel like? The freedom
What will I be able to do differently that I cant do now
It will fill my heart with Joy, it will satiate me to the core
It will hug my insides and fill me with warmth
The fight has ended, another one begins
But a different kind
One with purpose hope and fulfillment
The long awaited breakthrough has arrived and with it rains of refreshing
A torrent of hope and longing fulfilled
It is overwhelming to my senses
Suddenly there are no limitations
The sky is not the limit anymore it has become the floor on which a new kingdom will be built
We will thrive and work together to bring restoration to the down and out
The broken and bruised
The battered and weary
Hope is being given away by the bucketfuls, infusions of energy are activated lighting up the people
The way-maker has come and is making a way in the wilderness
There will be abundance and provision like no other
Defeat WILL be silenced with victory
Leaving a Legacy
May 8th, 2024
I want to leave a mark so when I am remembered or thought of, I have left an impact
An impact so bright and strong it cannot be ignored
It tells as story of someone who helped those in need
Who saw the broken, the down and out, and made a difference
Who gave time, resources, and encouragement to those who needed hope, who needed a purpose
I want to stir the flame in the one’s who’s light has dimmed
To release strategy to those who had a plan but needed an action partner
To provide funding to great people, good ideas, and transformative initiatives
I want to ignite passion in those who have fizzled out
Inspire creativity in others who long to leave their mark in the world
Jumpstart entrepreneurs who have sat on the sidelines for far too long
To help fulfill the dreams of those who only need some cash or connections to do what they are called to do
I picture a watering can filled with seeds, water and miracle grow, and as it pours out to those around me, it releases hope that seeps down in those dark dormant places
Bringing ideas to life, dreams back to the surface, and a renewed expectation of what could be
I want to be the hands and feet of a Father who longs to fulfill the desires of His children, the desires that He gave them
To launch, to build, to grow and restore in places where He has already named and called certain ones to rise up
To be the doers, the implementers, the sustainers of His will, His plans, His heart, and purposes
We will represent service to Him as we serve others
We will delegate wisdom
Impart prudence
Align with righteous works
And act with diligence
We will leave a legacy
But it will be in His name
Not our own
For without Him
We were incapable of defeating the giants, surviving the pain, and rising above the noise and the suffering we endured
We have paid the ultimate price
We lost it all, to gain Him, to gain His kingdom
We will forever be in service to the one true God, the one true King
Who helped us to break free
To overcome
To leave a legacy worth remembering
What will you leave?
#forhiskingdom
Eagle's View
August 4th, 2024
I can only imagine what God sees when he looks down on my life
How He can see the different pieces of this and that connecting at some point in the future
I wonder what I would see if I could fly above the clouds and looks down at my life
Where there was pain and suffering, closed doors and ended relationships
Would I be able to see the purpose of my life from a better point of view?
Looking from his vantage point?
Would I be able to see more clearly the lessons learned, the wisdom gained, and the faith that was built to carry me into the future
Would I see His hand over the years intervening at various points in time
Would I understand better the things that didn’t work out?
Would I feel more peace about the bumpy parts, the detours, the obstacles if I could see their value long-term
Every season has seemed to have its own battles to fight, and I have not understood their potential contribution to my growth
But I can look back at various points in time, and see how I have grown, been strengthened, and made to withstand a variety of storms
Ones that would have drowned me out before
But I am learning to rise above the waves, to press on and push back against the resistance that has plagued my life
I try not to think that there has been nothing good that has come from the trials
I can breathe a sigh of relief and have more peace knowing that things will be made to work in my benefit in some way, big or small
I know one day I will be able to see the entire picture and smile
I know that the view really does look much better from above
Show me Lord, like an eagle, let me fly higher, let me see...
Coming Soon
February 3rd, 2024
Coming soon, relief, rest, recovery
Maybe not the king of rest one considers, like sleep
But a rest from the beating of the winds and waves
A rest from the constantly having to batten down the hatches
Locking oneself down below in the hiddenness of the hull to ride out the next tumultuous season
Rest from having to constantly fight against reactivity, frustration, discouragement
It cant come soon enough
It’s been on the horizon
I’ve seen it from far away and like the sun setting and rising it has seemed to be so near and yet it has passed by me
Out of reach, even after my attempts to grasp it
It comes and goes
Like my eyes have played tricks on me
I’ve tired from the false words and false visions of those who mean well
It only tripped me up after pumping me with false hope
I’ve ignored the email pushed “words” and maybe to my detriment
Because I could not hear one more time “This week, this month, this year, God is going to…”
And then the promise…
Have you seen those to? Been persuaded only to not see them come to pass in the timeline you think they should?
As I watched those years come and go my attitude suffered
My faith and hope took a hit I could barely recover from
I have lived the “coming soon” for the last decade and my heart has become jaded by what seemed like empty promises
Like a messenger had been sent to steal my hope yet again
My mind anguished to leap past the hurdles and obstacles that were erected
Trying to shut me down and keep me from moving forward
Keeping me from believing that indeed good things , relief and rest were indeed coming soon
And not just to America, not just for others, but for me
Like a gift with a perfectly positioned bow, and my name handwritten in gold
A sign that God had not forgotten me, abandoned me, or passed me up
There wasn’t some sin or curse that tangled a web too strong to break free from, blocking me from obtaining His promises
No roots to choke out the life of things that were coming to bloom
The promises were coming to me
ME!
The one who has held fast, been faithful, and fought to believe
The one who has battled beyond what I thought someone should bare
Like the sunrise that brings new light
I gaze into its light
Drink in its strength
Absorb its hope
And embrace its comfort
For I know it is
Coming to ME…
What Song Do You Have in Your Heart
April 20th, 2024
I have a song in my heart that has been there for years
Rising up in its desperation to be released in fullness
To usher in a new path of change and offerings of restoration to others
It’s a song of hope, courage, faith, and goodness
Goodness to be poured out to those in need
It’s a song that I questioned but realized it was what I was born for
A song that quenched, shut down, dismissed and ridiculed by others
A song that seemed like an impossible endeavor
It has gone quiet during the dark seasons and risen again with a word from others who also see that God has a purpose through me
It will be life giving
It will be used to move the mountains, so stubborn and so seemingly immovable
I have carried it in the deepest pits longing for the heights when it will be time to be heard, as my own heart longs for Father
To sing over me
My heart years for a song of hope and refreshing that will wash away the pain and stain from the last long dark years that feel like a plague that won’t leave
I need His song that breaks off the weariness and grief of dashed hopes and recurring disappointments
Where the notes land on me to replace the words of defeat, assault that have been taunting
With a melody so sweet that it reignited my faith, stirs my soul, and causes expectations of good things to ignite in my mind
Like waters washing away to cleanse and purge the mud from pain that has dried and left its residue
I need the song that brings life to those dry and dead places
Stuck places
Hardened places
Lifeless and longing places
I picture a bird coming to release its first note
Then another in a melody chain so filled with life that it ignites my being
As others join in the chorus of birds
Singing that sound of freedom, of victory, of relief
From the one who can bring me that which I need
I breathe it in like a tonic
The harmony lodges deep within me like an oil on my soul
I welcome its healing, its soothing, its awakening
It brings life to me
Brings life to the song in me
Brings a renewed sense of knowing that change is coming
And I will carry its sound
What are You Cultivating
May 5th, 2024
I’ve been cultivating things for the last several years to become a better "me"
Cultivating less reaction and more thoughtful responses
Building better boundaries to protect myself from flying arrows and harsh words
Practicing more self-love and less feeling like my own punching bag
I’ve been making an effort to be my own biggest cheerleader and not my own worst critic
I’ve been trying to choose things actively, rather than passively sit back and allow things to choose me
I am guarding my gates more, my eyes, ears, and mind
It has taken concerted effort but the long term benefits are better than the short term fixes
I don’t always make the right choice
But I learn from my mistakes and try to grow from the potholes that try and "flatten my tires" and thus my forward movement
I keep surrendering the things I do not understand to the one who knows all and have learned that letting go of the need to fix everything is healthy
I realized I couldn’t fix situations I also couldn’t force people to see the truth about situations around them, in the world, or about me
I quit serving Justice like it was a God and started trusting that the God of Justice would bring conviction and correction in His timing and His way
I’m cultivating grace for others and their reactions
Not because I am making allowances for bad behavior
But because I am more healed to see what torments them, even when they don’t
I’m offering patience where I previously was taken back by people’s words and actions
I’m seeking perspective through God’s eyes and not from my limited perspective
I’m looking to grow a garden that includes
Unconditional love, acceptance, value, esteem, and growth for myself and others
I’m not forcing truth anymore
But providing a listening ear
I’m not pushing freedom but practicing being a safe place for others to come
I’m not sure how to apply miracle grow to my process but I wish I could
Not sure about short cuts, although I would love for some
It’s been hard work, a lot of weeding and a lot of pruning
But in the end, I know
What I am cultivating
Ultimately brings life
The View from Above
January 4th, 2024
Looking down on what is and what was and what is yet to be, is majestic
An experience like no other
The feeling of having left all the bad memories behind and headed to new territory, new ground, new places and faces
There is excitement in the air of what is yet to come
It feels as though I have escaped a prison that has confined me for decades only to be headed to a new destination that is more promising, more inviting, and offers more than the dull and drab days from before
A new adventure awaits, I can feel the energy inside me rise as I look down on what could be
The possibilities are endless
Maybe this is the journey my heart has been crying out for all along
One of higher purpose
Above the noise and calamities of life there is a calmness in the air
The beauty is unchanged but is in plain sight, not shrouded or clouded
The atmosphere is marked with hope
Delay is broken as I sail through the sky onto my new assignment
There are not many invited into this space
It requires a certain kind of character
Some perseverance, fortitude & strength, which is only forged in the fires of refining & tribulation
Once you overcome you are invited to rise and see from a different perspective, a heavenly one
You can see how things have been shaped
How they have been maneuvered
Where there are safe places and where there is competing chaos
Like pockets placed in a timeline
The strongholds become more apparent
I can hear the sound of the trees crying out, swaying in the wind
Purposefully trying to blow away the effects of long hard seasons along with the heavy emotions that try and settle there
In their midst the wind blows and blows
It too has a purpose and is working diligently to push out the reside, complacency and despair of what was and what has been
Ushering in a clear space for the new
The water is stirring and moving the sludge of stagnation, ushering in new life
A new flow, clean pure and steady
Like the drip from above that can wear down a stone it has orders to push past the resistance, and the dams that have been built up, to release the flow to forge new imprints
Nothing will be the same
Everything will change
The landscape will forever be different
And all can be seen and revealed from the the view above
Rise above the noise and you will see...
My Heart's Passion
October 20th, 2023
I've had a passion for the broken and downtrodden for so long now
I've ached to render help and provide relief and yet I have been trapped by my own circumstances and restrictions
When?! When will I be able to help others, serve others, bless others
My heart aches for the day I can offer something to those who have been forgotten, unseen, passed up
Neglected and ignored, I know what it feels like
I see vast resources all around me
If only I could get my hands on some...
I would give...give to the many who have endured hardship for too long and have given up hope of relief
I would give... in abundance to those who have longed for something better
I can see a vision of the joy in their eyes as life is restored, hope is replenished, and faith rises to take its rightful place in hearts once again
My passion burns to help and yet I feel confined
Confined by my own needs and wants
A need for a safe place to lay my head
A need for mobility and independence
A need for peace and life and love
A need to be treated with respect and decency
I have longed for so long to provide others with what only God could release through His provision
And yet I wait... and long...and pray
Passion...
It has burned so hot inside of me that I had to shut it down as I grew disheartened in the waiting of being able to fulfill my desire to pour out to others
To bypass the bullies and the tyrants who have withheld life giving supplies from their own people for so long, too long...
When?
I cry out again lest my passion wane even further
How long?!
I wait for a reply and yet I hear nothing
I seek direction to get some sort of gleaning or glance at when I can expect the dam to break forth with its provision
It's not just for me, I declare, it's for others too!!
Don't you hear? Don't you see? Don't you care?
How much longer must I wait? Must THEY wait?!
Certainly you see the tremendous pain and suffering? Is it for nothing?
Certainly you could step in and force your hand!?
Isn't this your heart too?! I ask...
How much longer will you look away?
I try and steady myself in this tumultuous season and maintain the one thing that is keeping me going,
A passion to serve the hopeless and forgotten ones...
This is my passion...what is yours?
Ready
October 17th, 2023
Ready…
I feel like I have been ready for so long now
What is left, I wonder, and needed to prepare me for where I need to be
Perfectly positioned after the waiting
More patience?
Less reactiveness?
More fortitude?
I long for the release of the gate that has held me back for so long now
I wonder when my freedom will come
When will I learn my lessons so I can pass the testing of the soul?
It has been hard to make it one day at a time
To choose the narrow path where others are dancing upon the wider
I can't barely see two steps in front of me yet my feet long to push ahead
I ache for forward movement
Out of the confinement of this season
Out of the attack zone
I feel like I've been beat up and not sure I am recognizable
I question my previous actions
Did I do the right thing? Where did I go wrong?
I thought I was making good choices?
But maybe I was mistaken...
At this point I ask the One above to fix my mistakes
I don't want to miss what He has for me
My burdens have become overwhelming
I cry out to be rescued...
"Ready"
Ready for what?
What will it look like?
How will I know when it has finally arrived?
Will I know when it's safe to move forward?
Will I know when it's okay to step out in faith?
What else needs to be reconciled?
I try and focus on the things in front of me and yet I feel the frustration of the stuck place I feel has become more of a stronghold
Like Joseph trapped in a dungeon in deep and dark places where others cannot see,
The iron has entered my soul, and though I feel stronger, I too look for a release from chains that have constrained me and kept me from any (what I call) meaningful contribution in this life
Be ready...
Joseph must have wondered who will set me free?!
When is the trial over?
To be tested and tried, betrayed, lied about, slandered, dismissed, deemed unimportant, and diminished in the eyes of men over time makes one question their existence and whether or not anyone would or could ever understand the magnitude of suffering that they have endured
I have to believe that the things that have not been seen are working for my benefit behind the scenes
Ready?
If they only knew...
Seasons of Change
December 17th, 2023
Seasons are like a time clock, they mark an ending and a beginning - whether it be in nature or life
Yet Seasons are tricky…
They don’t disclose any real dates
The keep information hidden
Like a watchman who has a timepiece that no others can see
The seasons carefully guard their knowledge
Funny thing is that not everyone is on the same time when it comes to season changes
Some may be headed into a dark cold winter while others are longing for their frozen experience to be melted by the warmth of the summer rays
And it can all be happening at the same time
How is that?
I am reminded of the flowers that bloom once in a decade or bamboo that reaches its roots down for a quarter century before revealing its strength and position as it shoots to the sky in what appears to be a blink of an eye
It happens so fast - or so it seems
There are hidden things in these seasons that may or may not ever be revealed
Nobody knows what has taken place in the hiddenness
But the one who is in the season is usually seeking to see a shift into the next
Looking at the leaves on an autumn tree as a marker that the seasons are indeed changing in their favor
Waiting with baited breath, hoping & longing for the new
Nobody gets to choose
Just experience, learn and grow
Some seasons are harsher than others and some must go through extended seasons as they are buried in the dark places, like seeds
Strong roots must develop for they will come out and be resilient in the face of potential threatening weather
While others seek cover, those in the darkest seasons will emerge victorious and ready for change
Change that will affect all but only few have been prepared to thrive in
So if you find yourself in a dark place yearning for a season to break
Take heart my seed, you will emerge one day stronger, sturdier, and welcoming whatever comes your way
Until then, water, and seek His light
Stay Afloat
December 5th, 2023
Holding on for dear life
That’s what it feels like for the last couple years
I feel like I am hanging onto a corner of a life preserver as wave after wave comes my way
Crashing over me
Hitting hard, then harder
I have been waiting for it to die down, but it relents
Just when I think I see a lifeboat of some kind, maybe even a rescue headed my way, it disappears
Like a cruel mirage in the distance
Time and time again my expectations to be rescued are not realized
How can I continue to hang on
How can I tread water yet another day
How do I survive the awful taste of salt water that has become so annoying
I long for something new, something different
I imagine fresh warm new clothes
A hot flavourful meal, maybe curry
And a nice cup of hot tea with cream
Oh how sweet it would be
So nourishing to my soul
The nights seem to approach much sooner these days
I must mentally prepare every morning and night just to make it
Survive one more day…
“Help is on the way” I tell myself
As I feel the pressure of one more swell come over me, I hold my breathe to avoid its assault
I picture a soothing beach with warm sand to help ease my mind of the frigid waters that I have endured for so long
Oh how nice it would be to just rest in that hot sand
My mind shifts to a hike around the lake, one I had traversed many times before
Like my own secret place, I had gone many times and watched the turtles bathing in the sun's rays
I recall the beauty in the flowers and trees, such variety, such vivid colors
I rehearse the path I would take back up the trail and how lush it was
Like a covering of sorts
Although I was alone walking there, I felt God’s presence with me
The isolation creeps in again and I am startled back to reality
This is not normal, “why me?” I question
“How much longer?”
I am running out of room on my life preserver and my fingers are numb and achy from holding on
It feels like a 26 mile marathon that turned into a 50, then 75, then 100 mile personal race
“Where is the finish line?” I wonder "Where are the others?"
The small things that used to bring relief are not available anymore or don’t work the same
I am aware of the darkness settling in again & I must fight it off
I focus my attention on the One who can send aid and bring relief
I cry out again
“Any day now” I think to myself, not trying to be disrespectful, just wondering why He has waited so long to help
I imagine the depths of the sea, if I were to let go right now it would swallow me up
Like a quick gulp, all too easy
I can’t let it win
I keep treading water, I keep hanging on
Until then, I set my eyes on the horizon
Watching, waiting…I know He will come
Restoration: The Treasure
December 8th, 2024
The treasure has arrived...restoration is here
There is no more waiting
The longing is over
It feels like life has been released, the storm has broken
There will be an ongoing party, a celebration for days to come
Feasting and laughter
The whole world will know
I feel energized by the relief it brings
Brought back to life
I am emboldened with hope and will pour it onto others as it fills me up
There is victory in the air, although not all will be celebrating
The victory is for those who have endured and now crossed the finish line
There is no more delay
The promised land is now
Liberation is here
Like water washing my worn out feet that have traveled for years without a break, displaced, without a home
The coolness washes over me like a living substance pouring into dried cracks of a barren land
History awaits, this will be in the books in the years ahead
Those who read its pages will look back at the ones who endured harsh suffering to finally see the fulfillment of a promise made long ago
We will carry the plunder far and wide gladly into the places and spaces where there has been crippling lack and desperate need
Those who have longed for the fulfillment of this news only to experience its extensive delay will shout from the mountains
“Our God reigns and He has conquered our enemy of lack and fruitlessness!!”
They will know the satisfaction of answered prayers
They will look to the heavens and give thanks to the One who has graciously provided
Broken dreams will be brought back to life
Can you hear it?
It is the sound of restoration!
In Their Shoes
August 9th, 2024
I learned long ago not to judge someone based on things I saw that did not seem socially or behaviorally acceptable
My father had a saying “Don’t judge someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes”
Meaning, unless I had been through all the things that make them who they are, I would not understand the pain, frustration and heartache that made them behave the way they did
I also would not understand the obstacles they were faced with and what they had already attempted to overcome their circumstances, the ones behind the scenes
I could not understand their losses, disappointments, or traumas they had survived, and maybe even stuffed so deeply that they too were unaware of their effects
I could only see who they were “being” at the time
Did I have the right to look down on their actions without knowing what they had survived to get to where they are now?
Could I expect more from them without knowing what they may have endured? Possible years of sickness, devastation or loss?
I must remind myself that depression can hide as a fake smile, insecurity as sarcasm, and low self-worth as rudeness
Because of this, I try to see others through God’s eyes as much as possible and give them grace for the things that they may have battled along the way
Not knowing if they are secretly struggling or doing well, I figure it is always best to give someone the benefit of the doubt
This lesson hit home personally when a family member revealed inside information about another family member whom I had judged for 30 years
They shared about his extreme physical abuse as a child at the hands of his father, suddenly I understood why he was so detached, so self-absorbed, so indifferent to my pain
He experienced his own indifference, detachment and trauma which was causing him to behave the way he was, as he has most likely been in survival mode
Trying to cope, trying to deal, trying to make it through his own life
I quickly shifted from judgement to compassion
This new revelation troubled me for days, “Why did I not know this all these years? This information would have been a tremendous help to me.”
I learned a valuable lesson that day, that there is great truth in knowing that many are stunted in growth at a time when they were forced to handle pain so great that it caused them to become a different person, or have a part of them become a protector, if not for any other reason but to endure the pain
I learned that there must be many who share similar secrets, surviving one day at a time, facing battles that nobody knows about
It was then that the saying “You shouldn’t judge someone if you have not walked a mile in their shoes” hit me like a gut punch
How many times had I erroneously judged someone not knowing their deep pain
Truth be told I would not want to be judged unless someone saw the path I have endured
I would want them to look at me with eyes of grace, mercy and compassion
Why would I expect them to see me through a lens of understanding if I was not willing to do the same...
The Exodus
February 4th, 2024
I’m leaving this place
Finally
It’s time to go
Time to forge into the new
Beyond the restrictions and restraints of the last season
Time to press forward and onto a new pathI mentally left this place long ago
Pushing past the frustration of circumstances and lack
Became a full-time job and now I am finally released
I’ve longed for this day for months that turned to years
I quench my frustration that it’s not exactly what I thought it would be
But it is a big stepping stone towards the newI gladly take the step
Still guarding my mind against the dark thoughts
That accuse God of not caring enough
Not loving enough
Not answering prayers soon enoughI force myself to be grateful
I tell my heart to be filled with gratitude for the little things
My focus is here and there and everywhere
The assault on my mind and body tries to hold me back and shut me down
Sneaky tactics from the enemies of my destinyIt feels like I am stuck in mud
The kind you sink into and cannot pull yourself out of
No matter how hard you try
I cry out for helpA lifeline is thrown to me, I am thankful
Relief is here
As I grab on I am relieved
If only for a day
For some breathing room
To collect my thoughts and press in for strategyI must cross the threshold into the new path
I remind myself
I refuse to allow these attacks to win
I recite again and again, fighting off the weariness and painI gather more strength
I ask my Spirit to come forward to aid in my relief
It too has been assaultedI know this life is temporary
But still, I battle the onslaught of lies that relentlessly barrage my weary mind
To just give up
Coupled with the squeezing pain and spiritual weapons
I look to my advocate for freedomPlease Jesus,
Help me have some relief from the pain, the weariness, the assault against me
Ugh! I need some breathing room!
I need to get outta here!I refocus
I remind myself not to get frustrated, not to be angry at God
Not to agree with futility or other agendas, like a tape recording on loop
I can discern the message being played to me over and over again
It was sent to break me downI can’t let it win, I can’t quit
I tell myself,
Look to the finish line
Keep focusing on Jesus
His healing oil
His frequency of love and freedom
His authorityI visualize myself stepping into Him
I can feel the energy of His power and try to absorb its strength into my own weary body
I meditate on my authority joining His so we can stand, together, one more day
That’s all I can handle right nowOne more day
Just one more
Then another
Until we leave this place
Until we cross over
